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[Monday July 13th] |
I've had the best the afternoon. Drinks, breakfast, sun, laughter - finally finding good, loyal friends.
Then I found out Rachel Mooney died.
Can my friends please stop dying? My heart doesn't have the beats left to handle this.
RIP Rachel; I loved you so much.
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[Sunday July 12th] |
I am overwhelmed.
I am having one of those days where you feel like you could cry at any moment, even though you aren't sad.
As much as I want to explain, spill my heart in a flurry of paragraphs & run-on sentences, something tells me it's better to keep it inside. Sometimes sadness that's undeterminded, blurred around the edges, is better left contained.
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[Saturday July 11th] |
In 2 weeks, it'll be exactly 1 year since Lydia left me. How strange.
I'm very happily with Jen now, nearing our 4 month anniversary. Lydia just recently entered a relationship with a mutual friend of ours & when I said "Congratulations", I meant it.
If I want to be honest with myself, I miss her. Not the relationship, as the last 4 months were awful, but the closeness. She was my best friend, the only one who knew how to calm me from a panic attack. I enjoy her company now, but there is always a sense of unsettled awkwardness between us. It's the air of unanswered questions - I want to ask about the rumors I've heard, she wants to ask about the quickness I moved on with. Instead we drink beer, hug tightly. When she says "Love you" as she's leaving, I always give heran extra squeeze & say "Love you" back.
So here's to you, Lydia Romano. You taught me to be a hell of a patient lover, a self aware guru, an honest woman. You broke my heart & in turn, made me a better person. I wish you all the best, even once we (sadly, I'm sure inevitably) lose touch.
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| Today |
[Sunday July 12th] |
( Went clothes shopping... )
As I look more and more at the living situation I'm in, I wonder a little more as to whether I'm spending enough money on myself. Could I have been starving my financial flow trying to jump fifty steps ahead of myself? Is this going to be part of that 'rebuilding' process I've had in my head for me? The bit where I try and strip myself down to core parts and build back up? Maybe. Stop torturing myself with the impossibilities and the high improbabilities and start focusing on the liklies and definately's.
( Stationary: Last stop... )
I think I'm getting excited about what's coming up. I don't have any nerves going into study. All areas of study are the things I've been searching for on my own. The skills and knowledges I'll be absorbing are those I've been searching for. The projects I'll be doing are the ones I've been wanting to do independently for a long time. I can almost feel the fire being lit up under my arse.
I'm going to try and go to sleep now. If I can get a 5:30 am bedtime I'll be a happy man. At least I'll be asleep sooner than I have been the past day or two. Before sunrise. :P
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| Insomnia |
[Saturday July 11th] |
I'm not sure if you could call this insomnia, but I can't get to sleep when I want. I still sleep, but it tends to be at later and later times each day. First it was two, then three, then five, then six, moving on up to seven and even eight o'clock in the morning.
When I do get to doze, I sleep for a handful of hours. Two in the afternoon is the absolute cut off point. I had a doctors appointment today at 10:00. I was awake at 7:30, but when I tried to get out of bed I found no energy available to do so. I passed out and woke up at 8:30, but I was too tired to do more than roll over. I slept. At 10:05, I received a call from the doctors office that I had missed my appointment. Since I had confirmed it yesterday I could be liable for a fee for not turning up. I've rescheduled for Monday 2:45pm.
I am currently exhausted and have one of those "I've been up too long" headaches. If I can keep conscious until tonight, maybe I can push some more reasonable sleeping patterns back into my head.
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